Romantic Texts to Send to Anyone at Any Time

Hello sexy! I hope your day is wonderful (even though you have to go to work and that place is full of fucking jerk-offs).

I woke up this morning and pinched myself to be sure that you weren't a dream. Is that sexy for you? Or do I need to…like…spank myself and gargle milk or something?

A little mystery is so important to a relationship. So I've stolen something from you. You’re welcome.

My bed feels so empty without you beside me. I grabbed a bag of onions from the cabinet, but it's not the same. 

I just wanted to say that I'm thinking about you. But I can't help myself. I also need to let you know that octopuses have three hearts. I’m telling everybody! (*sorry*)

I've been thinking about you all day. There was a little bit where I was thinking about lunch, but then I went absolutely berserk on a sandwich and I was back in the warm embrace of your mind love.  

I was just daydreaming about our first kiss...and crashed my car. I told the judge that if it was illegal to be in love, then he should lock me up. Turns out it is. I guess it's called "vehicular manslaughter." I don't know. I'm not a lawyer. But if you could bail me out, that would be great. Love you!

I must have been a saint in a past life, because I don't know what else I could have done to deserve you. And because we are not having sex tonight. Pasta bloat from lunch. 

I can't imagine life without you. And it's not just because I'm unimaginative. It's also because of love reasons. 

I hope you are ready for tonight! I got blackberries and a fun little red wine from the store. We can have a picnic on your living room floor and see if you still love me after I ruin your carpet.

Wanna get down and dirty tonight? I've been reading a book on anthropology and I think I’m ready to find some fucking clay shards, baby!

A tisket, a tasket
I bought myself a basket
full of dildos to fuck you with.
That's a joke. I only bought one. 
Have you seen dildo prices recently?
It’d be cheaper to just make cocks from scratch. 

Tonight, I want to spoil you rotten. Absolutely rotten. I want you moldy and decayed. I want you bitter and fermented. I want you past your prime. And then who will love you? Well me, of course! I'm real nasty. I'll eat anything. So pop some blue cheese in your cooch and let’s get wild. 

Why won't you read my Da Vinci code fanfiction? If you'd just give it a go, you wouldn't have to keep asking me what Albino Monk I'm talking about while we have sex. 

To you, my love, who is only one person and I am fine with that. 

Our love is better than any movie. Because what type of movies even get made anymore? Violence and murder and war? And look at us! Look at our story! We didn't have to kill anyone. Didn't have to destroy half of Manhattan. All we had to do was cheat on your old roommate. 

Everyday, you blow me away with your wonderful love. I think that you are just incredible. Even if the sun fell out of the sky and the oceans froze, I would still love you. And that would be pretty hard. Because of how dead we would be. 

No matter what happens in our lives, I will always think that you are amazing. Just don't take advantage of that. No one can pull off capris, Robert! No one! 

You make me feel like I am at my best. You're like a big bowl of oatmeal. You fill me up (*wink*), you make me feel so warm and safe, and you are always around when I need you. Man, why don't I have oatmeal more often? I'm microwaving Jimmy Dean Breakfast Sandwiches like a maniac when real love has been in front of me this whole time! I like oatmeal more. It’s cheaper. It’s not that hard to make. I gotta get back into oatmeal! I’m sorry, what was I talking about again?