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Spring 2023

Romantic Texts to Send to Anyone at Any Time

Hello sexy! I hope your day is wonderful (even though you have to go to work and that place is full of fucking jerk-offs).

I woke up this morning and pinched myself to be sure that you weren't a dream. Is that sexy for you? Or do I need to…like…spank myself and gargle milk or something?

A little mystery is so important to a relationship. So I've stolen something from you. You’re welcome.

My bed feels so empty without you beside me. I grabbed a bag of onions from the cabinet, but it's not the same. 

I just wanted to say that I'm thinking about you. But I can't help myself. I also need to let you know that octopuses have three hearts. I’m telling everybody! (*sorry*)

I've been thinking about you all day. There was a little bit where I was thinking about lunch, but then I went absolutely berserk on a sandwich and I was back in the warm embrace of your mind love.  

I was just daydreaming about our first kiss...and crashed my car. I told the judge that if it was illegal to be in love, then he should lock me up. Turns out it is. I guess it's called "vehicular manslaughter." I don't know. I'm not a lawyer. But if you could bail me out, that would be great. Love you!

I must have been a saint in a past life, because I don't know what else I could have done to deserve you. And because we are not having sex tonight. Pasta bloat from lunch. 

I can't imagine life without you. And it's not just because I'm unimaginative. It's also because of love reasons. 

I hope you are ready for tonight! I got blackberries and a fun little red wine from the store. We can have a picnic on your living room floor and see if you still love me after I ruin your carpet.

Wanna get down and dirty tonight? I've been reading a book on anthropology and I think I’m ready to find some fucking clay shards, baby!

A tisket, a tasket
I bought myself a basket
full of dildos to fuck you with.
That's a joke. I only bought one. 
Have you seen dildo prices recently?
It’d be cheaper to just make cocks from scratch. 

Tonight, I want to spoil you rotten. Absolutely rotten. I want you moldy and decayed. I want you bitter and fermented. I want you past your prime. And then who will love you? Well me, of course! I'm real nasty. I'll eat anything. So pop some blue cheese in your cooch and let’s get wild. 

Why won't you read my Da Vinci code fanfiction? If you'd just give it a go, you wouldn't have to keep asking me what Albino Monk I'm talking about while we have sex. 

To you, my love, who is only one person and I am fine with that. 

Our love is better than any movie. Because what type of movies even get made anymore? Violence and murder and war? And look at us! Look at our story! We didn't have to kill anyone. Didn't have to destroy half of Manhattan. All we had to do was cheat on your old roommate. 

Everyday, you blow me away with your wonderful love. I think that you are just incredible. Even if the sun fell out of the sky and the oceans froze, I would still love you. And that would be pretty hard. Because of how dead we would be. 

No matter what happens in our lives, I will always think that you are amazing. Just don't take advantage of that. No one can pull off capris, Robert! No one! 

You make me feel like I am at my best. You're like a big bowl of oatmeal. You fill me up (*wink*), you make me feel so warm and safe, and you are always around when I need you. Man, why don't I have oatmeal more often? I'm microwaving Jimmy Dean Breakfast Sandwiches like a maniac when real love has been in front of me this whole time! I like oatmeal more. It’s cheaper. It’s not that hard to make. I gotta get back into oatmeal! I’m sorry, what was I talking about again?

Copyright © 2015
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    • 20 Wonderful Messages to Write Inside a Card
  • Fall 2023 (Poetry)
    • Adrianne Lenker from the band Big Thief visits Nebraska for the Maha Music Festival
    • Three Poems That Were Written on the Same Day
    • The Silver Dollar Flapjacks of Poetry
    • Regular and Irregular Meter
    • A Question
    • Business Poetry
    • Regional News Formatted Poetically
    • The Mental Health Awareness Decade
    • A Text Exchange in Which a Secret is Revealed
    • Maybe the Closest I Have Come to Writing a Perfect Poem
    • Three Poems
    • A Series of Thoughts I Had While Watching All That Jazz
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  • Spring 2023
    • General News
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    • Regional News You Might Have Missed
    • Instructions for a Good Time Pt. 2
    • Romantic Texts to Send Anyone at Any Time
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    • Best of 2022
    • Opinion: On AI Generated Art
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      • Editorial: On Arming Teachers and Watching Movies
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  • Winter 2022
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  • Fall 2021
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    • How to Avoid Talking about Sports
    • Icebreaker Questions
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  • Summer 2021
    • General News
    • Community Postings
    • Poems
    • Apologies
    • A Letter from the Secluded Sisters of the Missouri Valley
    • Regional News You Might Have Missed
    • New Rules for the Monthly Open Mics
    • A Recipe for Fruit Pizza that Can Save a Relationship
  • About
  • Home
  • Sampler
  • Spring 2025
    • Question 1
    • Question 2
    • Question 3
    • Question 4
    • Question 5
    • Question 6
    • Question 7
    • An Aperitif
    • Printable Zine
  • Winter 2025
  • Fall 2024
    • General News
    • Community Postings
    • Poems
    • Business Man Dan
    • On Lying to Yourself
    • Movie Idea No. #3
    • Movie Idea No. #4
    • Movie Idea No. #7
  • This Shouldn't Have Happened
  • Spring 2024 (Photography)
    • Gaps Between Buildings
    • January 6th, 2024
    • Fake Flyers
    • Public Art #1
    • Signs
    • March 7th, 2024
    • Do You Poke Smot?
    • Public Art #2
    • September 30th, 2023
    • Pictures of the Ground
  • Winter 2024 (Letters)
    • A Form Letter for Newspapers
    • A Form Letter for Art Museums
    • A Form Letter for Film Critics
    • A Form Letter for College Professors
    • Horny Copypasta to Text People on Arbor Day
    • 20 Wonderful Messages to Write Inside a Card
  • Fall 2023 (Poetry)
    • Adrianne Lenker from the band Big Thief visits Nebraska for the Maha Music Festival
    • Three Poems That Were Written on the Same Day
    • The Silver Dollar Flapjacks of Poetry
    • Regular and Irregular Meter
    • A Question
    • Business Poetry
    • Regional News Formatted Poetically
    • The Mental Health Awareness Decade
    • A Text Exchange in Which a Secret is Revealed
    • Maybe the Closest I Have Come to Writing a Perfect Poem
    • Three Poems
    • A Series of Thoughts I Had While Watching All That Jazz
  • Summer 2023
    • General News
    • Community Postings
    • Poems
    • Regional News You Might Have Missed
    • How to Scare Your Friends Through the Mail
    • Genital-less Images
  • Spring 2023
    • General News
    • Community Postings
    • Poems
    • Regional News You Might Have Missed
    • Instructions for a Good Time Pt. 2
    • Romantic Texts to Send Anyone at Any Time
    • Regional News You Might Have Missed
  • Winter 2023
    • General News
    • Community Postings
    • Poems
    • Best of 2022
    • Opinion: On AI Generated Art
  • Fall 2022
    • General News
    • Community Postings
    • Poems
    • Creative Possum Names
    • The Secluded Sisters of the Missouri Valley
    • Regional News You Might Have Missed
    • A Zine/Challenge
    • Found Fiction
  • Summer 2022
    • Spring 2022 >
      • General News - Spring 2022
      • Community Postings
      • Editorial: On Arming Teachers and Watching Movies
      • Regional News You Might Have Missed
      • A Letter from the Secluded Sisters of the Missouri Valley
      • Well, We Asked
      • Poems
      • Social Skills for Young Children
    • General News
    • Community Postings
    • Instructions for a Good Time
    • Regional News You Might Have Missed
    • A Letter from the Secluded Sisters of the Missouri Valley
    • Poems
    • Dating App Pics
    • Editorial: On the Fourth of July
  • Winter 2022
    • General News
    • Community Postings
    • A Letter from the Secluded Sisters of the Missouri Valley
    • Poems
    • Regional News You Might Have Missed
    • Style Tips
    • On New Years and New Resolutions
    • Children's Corner
    • A Quick Questions
  • Fall 2021
    • General News
    • Community Postings
    • Poems
    • A Letter from the Secluded Sisters of the Missouri Valley
    • Halloween Stories for Pacifists
    • How to Avoid Talking about Sports
    • Icebreaker Questions
    • Regional News
  • Summer 2021
    • General News
    • Community Postings
    • Poems
    • Apologies
    • A Letter from the Secluded Sisters of the Missouri Valley
    • Regional News You Might Have Missed
    • New Rules for the Monthly Open Mics
    • A Recipe for Fruit Pizza that Can Save a Relationship
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