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A Recipe for Fruit Pizza that Can Save a Relationship
1.) Combine half a box of yellow cake mix, one egg, and 2 T. of melted oleo, water, and brown sugar (2 T. each).
2.) Mix and then spread on a generously greased 13” pizza pan.
3.) Bake at 350 degrees for fifteen minutes until the center is set but the edges are still soft.
4.) Let cool until the crust is at room temperature (ideally overnight).
5.) Using an electric mixer, whip 12 oz. of cream cheese, a half cup of sugar, and 1 t. Of vanilla until combined and fluffy.
6.) Spread the cream cheese over the crust in a uniform layer.
7.) Cut fruit into bite sized pieces (I often use strawberries, blueberries, and kiwi fruit) and arrange the pieces in a pattern. Be sure not to press down too hard in order to avoid displacing icing.
8.) Gently dust with sugar.
***
9.) Tell your fiance (Colin) you made him a fruit pizza. Check in throughout the day and watch as Colin does not eat a single bite.
10.) On the second day, place a clean knife and spatula beside the fruit pizza for convenience.
11.) Casually and conversationally, remind Colin of the love you share. Mention times you have tried new things he suggested and allude to your shared devotion.
12.) Wait 24 hours. The pizza remains untouched.
13.) Hide somewhere in your kitchen. When Colin comes in after work, sneak out and offer Colin a slice of fruit pizza. DO NOT reveal that you were just hiding. Colin will not respond well if he finds out. (NOTE: I have found that if I wear gym clothes, I can pretend I just got back from a run and say something like: “Oh boy, running really hurts my knees. But, it is worth it to maintain my physical fitness and mental health. Fuck, I could really go for a slice of fruit pizza right about now.”)
14.) After a week, wait until the dark of night and then throw the now moldy fruit pizza away.
***
15.) Repeat steps 1-8.
16.) Leave the second pizza in the same location as the first (as if nothing even happened).
17.) Wake up and slump to the kitchen. The fruit pizza has been smashed on the kitchen floor. Ants? Colin? A transient raccoon? Too soon to tell.
18.) Repeat steps 1-8.
19.) When Colin gets home that night after visiting his father, the big tall lumber king of Kansas, he throws the new fruit pizza out the window. (This confirms your earlier suspicions that Colin was responsible for the pizza left smashed on the floor. It also exonerates raccoons, but as far as you’re concerned, that doesn’t make the things you Tweeted any less true.)
20.) List Colin’s favorite celebrities. Rank them by how much he talks about them, how much he respects their opinion, and how much you think they would be able to convince Colin to try a fruit pizza. Knowing Colin as you do and knowing that his favorite thing in the world is the movie Carol, number one on your list is the movie director Todd Haynes.
***
21.) Move to Portland (without your fiance and *ideally* thirty years ago).
22.) Befriend Todd Haynes
23.) Repeat steps 1-8.
24.) Bring Todd Haynes to your one bedroom apartment. He’ll tell you that he thinks the place looks really lovely and point out a book on your shelf he enjoys. It’s your favorite book.
25.) Feed Todd Haynes the fruit pizza.
26.) Ask Todd Haynes to sign a notarized document confirming that the fruit pizza is delicious. He laughs and asks you to teach him the recipe, first. There is a fire in his eyes; a fire you hope is fueled by a passion for dessert pizzas, but which you know in your heart is a passion for you.
27.) Guide Todd Haynes through steps 1-8.
28.) Your fingers touch as you arrange the fruit. A few moments later, he stumbles and bumps into you. Your eyes meet and you realize he did it on purpose. As you look in his eyes, you know the two of you are going to have sex. You’re sure of it. You feel like a cat who just met a sexy cat and then the sexy cat made it very clear he wanted to have sex with you. It’s exhilarating.
29.) Start a meaningful relationship with Todd Haynes. Share the parts of your life that are flattering.
***
30.) Ask Todd to sign a notarized endorsement of your fruit pizza. He laughs and sweetly kisses you on the cheek. Bring it up every day until Todd believes that this is your cute way of saying “I love you.” The first time Todd tells you he loves you, he says, “Would you sign a notarized endorsement of my fruit pizza?” You say, “Yes, as long as you will also sign a notarized endorsement of my fruit pizza.” When he kisses you deeply, you realize that you misunderstood what he meant by, “Would you sign a notarized endorsement of my fruit pizza.”
31.) Wake up in an anxious fit in the middle of the night. Ache as time passes and know that every day that goes by is another chance for Colin to meet someone new.
32.) Ask Todd to visit your parents and friends in Omaha. He agrees to come at some point, but things are just too busy at work right now.
33.) Wait another year.
34.) Receive a letter in the mail from Colin. He is engaged and would really like to see you. You left town without a word, so he never had a chance to say goodbye.
35.) Leave the letter where Todd Haynes will see it. That night, he stumbles across the letter and storms into the kitchen. “Why have I never heard of Colin? This makes it seem like you two used to live together!” Ask him when he started going through your mail. Doesn’t that seem a little intrusive? Watch as he marches out of the room.
36.) Wait until late that night. Slink into your bedroom. Take Todd’s hands in yours and tell him the truth about why you two first met. Claim that--in the years since--you’ve forgotten all about Colin. Todd recommends you visit Colin together so you can say goodbye and he can meet the man who was once so important to you (just like you’ve been whispering in his ear as he sleeps the last two years).
***
37.) Repeat steps 1-8.
38.) Ask Todd to brag about your fruit pizza in front of Colin. When he does, however, you notice that Colin doesn’t seem all that convinced. It’s almost as if--to Colin--Todd Haynes is more notable for running off with his boyfriend than for directing Carol.
39.) After hours of peer pressure, Colin relents. He tries the fruit pizza. At first, he doesn’t know what is happening. He almost looks scared. But as he looks down and his brain fully registers the beauty of the fruit pizza, he starts to cry. Eventually, after he wipes the crumbs from his mouth and the tears from his cheeks, your eyes meet. He looks straight into your soul and you start to cry, too. You’ve done it. You’ve saved your relationship.
2.) Mix and then spread on a generously greased 13” pizza pan.
3.) Bake at 350 degrees for fifteen minutes until the center is set but the edges are still soft.
4.) Let cool until the crust is at room temperature (ideally overnight).
5.) Using an electric mixer, whip 12 oz. of cream cheese, a half cup of sugar, and 1 t. Of vanilla until combined and fluffy.
6.) Spread the cream cheese over the crust in a uniform layer.
7.) Cut fruit into bite sized pieces (I often use strawberries, blueberries, and kiwi fruit) and arrange the pieces in a pattern. Be sure not to press down too hard in order to avoid displacing icing.
8.) Gently dust with sugar.
***
9.) Tell your fiance (Colin) you made him a fruit pizza. Check in throughout the day and watch as Colin does not eat a single bite.
10.) On the second day, place a clean knife and spatula beside the fruit pizza for convenience.
11.) Casually and conversationally, remind Colin of the love you share. Mention times you have tried new things he suggested and allude to your shared devotion.
12.) Wait 24 hours. The pizza remains untouched.
13.) Hide somewhere in your kitchen. When Colin comes in after work, sneak out and offer Colin a slice of fruit pizza. DO NOT reveal that you were just hiding. Colin will not respond well if he finds out. (NOTE: I have found that if I wear gym clothes, I can pretend I just got back from a run and say something like: “Oh boy, running really hurts my knees. But, it is worth it to maintain my physical fitness and mental health. Fuck, I could really go for a slice of fruit pizza right about now.”)
14.) After a week, wait until the dark of night and then throw the now moldy fruit pizza away.
***
15.) Repeat steps 1-8.
16.) Leave the second pizza in the same location as the first (as if nothing even happened).
17.) Wake up and slump to the kitchen. The fruit pizza has been smashed on the kitchen floor. Ants? Colin? A transient raccoon? Too soon to tell.
18.) Repeat steps 1-8.
19.) When Colin gets home that night after visiting his father, the big tall lumber king of Kansas, he throws the new fruit pizza out the window. (This confirms your earlier suspicions that Colin was responsible for the pizza left smashed on the floor. It also exonerates raccoons, but as far as you’re concerned, that doesn’t make the things you Tweeted any less true.)
20.) List Colin’s favorite celebrities. Rank them by how much he talks about them, how much he respects their opinion, and how much you think they would be able to convince Colin to try a fruit pizza. Knowing Colin as you do and knowing that his favorite thing in the world is the movie Carol, number one on your list is the movie director Todd Haynes.
***
21.) Move to Portland (without your fiance and *ideally* thirty years ago).
22.) Befriend Todd Haynes
23.) Repeat steps 1-8.
24.) Bring Todd Haynes to your one bedroom apartment. He’ll tell you that he thinks the place looks really lovely and point out a book on your shelf he enjoys. It’s your favorite book.
25.) Feed Todd Haynes the fruit pizza.
26.) Ask Todd Haynes to sign a notarized document confirming that the fruit pizza is delicious. He laughs and asks you to teach him the recipe, first. There is a fire in his eyes; a fire you hope is fueled by a passion for dessert pizzas, but which you know in your heart is a passion for you.
27.) Guide Todd Haynes through steps 1-8.
28.) Your fingers touch as you arrange the fruit. A few moments later, he stumbles and bumps into you. Your eyes meet and you realize he did it on purpose. As you look in his eyes, you know the two of you are going to have sex. You’re sure of it. You feel like a cat who just met a sexy cat and then the sexy cat made it very clear he wanted to have sex with you. It’s exhilarating.
29.) Start a meaningful relationship with Todd Haynes. Share the parts of your life that are flattering.
***
30.) Ask Todd to sign a notarized endorsement of your fruit pizza. He laughs and sweetly kisses you on the cheek. Bring it up every day until Todd believes that this is your cute way of saying “I love you.” The first time Todd tells you he loves you, he says, “Would you sign a notarized endorsement of my fruit pizza?” You say, “Yes, as long as you will also sign a notarized endorsement of my fruit pizza.” When he kisses you deeply, you realize that you misunderstood what he meant by, “Would you sign a notarized endorsement of my fruit pizza.”
31.) Wake up in an anxious fit in the middle of the night. Ache as time passes and know that every day that goes by is another chance for Colin to meet someone new.
32.) Ask Todd to visit your parents and friends in Omaha. He agrees to come at some point, but things are just too busy at work right now.
33.) Wait another year.
34.) Receive a letter in the mail from Colin. He is engaged and would really like to see you. You left town without a word, so he never had a chance to say goodbye.
35.) Leave the letter where Todd Haynes will see it. That night, he stumbles across the letter and storms into the kitchen. “Why have I never heard of Colin? This makes it seem like you two used to live together!” Ask him when he started going through your mail. Doesn’t that seem a little intrusive? Watch as he marches out of the room.
36.) Wait until late that night. Slink into your bedroom. Take Todd’s hands in yours and tell him the truth about why you two first met. Claim that--in the years since--you’ve forgotten all about Colin. Todd recommends you visit Colin together so you can say goodbye and he can meet the man who was once so important to you (just like you’ve been whispering in his ear as he sleeps the last two years).
***
37.) Repeat steps 1-8.
38.) Ask Todd to brag about your fruit pizza in front of Colin. When he does, however, you notice that Colin doesn’t seem all that convinced. It’s almost as if--to Colin--Todd Haynes is more notable for running off with his boyfriend than for directing Carol.
39.) After hours of peer pressure, Colin relents. He tries the fruit pizza. At first, he doesn’t know what is happening. He almost looks scared. But as he looks down and his brain fully registers the beauty of the fruit pizza, he starts to cry. Eventually, after he wipes the crumbs from his mouth and the tears from his cheeks, your eyes meet. He looks straight into your soul and you start to cry, too. You’ve done it. You’ve saved your relationship.
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