Regional News You Might Have Missed

News:
Local Restaurant Insists on Keeping All Meals Behind a Paywall (Fremont Gazette, Scarlett Steinhauser)

Connect 4 Winner Can’t Connect His Head to His Heart (Sioux City Daily, Rainn Inton)

Dentist Goes Bankrupt After Asking Patients about their “Nasty Little Mouths” (The Cherry County Post, Charles “The Hammer” Dennis)

Horny Stepdaughter has a Lot More Non-Greg Options for Sex than Greg was Lead to Believe (Topeka Times, Charlotte “The Real Wet Bandit” Williamson)

Report Shows Chips Have Just Been Thin Fucking Potatoes this Whole Time (Grand Island Weekly, Fredrich Wiseman)

As Shorteralls Season Comes to a Close, Uncut Overalls Breath a Sigh of Relief (Ogallala News, Fredrichard Smartdude)

New Advent Calendars Remind Us that Countdowns aren’t Just for Handjob Games (The Minot Sun, Freddick Brainboy)


Editorial:
Either Alliance High School is haunted or the students I see leaving are just actual children (The Alliance Fountain, Mel T. Fountain III)

I don't know how those senators sleep at night. I can't sleep at night and I don't have the crushing weight of being a bozo (St. Cloud Intelligence, Edmond the Talking Horse)

Shenanigans Shmegamicans Again: Is Enough being Done to Keep Fall Hijinx from Escalating? (The Le Mars Rabbit, Rusty Breadbasket)