Menu
New Rules for the Monthly Open Mics
Hello,
I know that we all value the ability to express ourselves and act creatively as a community, but the monthly open mics have become absolutely insufferable. As such, we have decided to add a couple new rules that we hope will make the evening better for everyone and avoid any more five hour long run times.
1.) The time limit has been changed from two songs/poems to five minutes because songs can be any length of time. You will receive a head’s up at four minutes, a warning at five, and will be interrupted with malice at five minutes and fifteen seconds. Repeat offenders will be banned from performing and will be openly mocked. You are the one’s being selfish. We are not being rude for trying to help everyone have a good time.
2.) Before repeating a chorus or stanza, please ask yourself: Is this REALLY necessary? Repetition should be used for emphasis, not to break the wills of everyone in the audience.
3.) Before making a political speech at the beginning of your set, please look around the room and make sure you aren’t about to say something that everyone in the room already agrees with. And do remember that it will count as part of your five minutes. If you want to spend three and a half minutes talking about the supreme court, your acoustic Bowie cover better be less than ninety fucking seconds.
4.) Additionally, please remember that all introductions--whether oversharing about the inspiration for a poem, shouting out your friends in the audience, or tuning the guitar you were already tuning while other people were performing--do count towards your time. If I could just ban introductions, I would die a happy man. But, apparently that’s “overly controlling” and “unfair.” So just keep it short, please.
5.) Do not start by saying, “I wrote this this morning, so go easy on me.” You don’t need to tell us you wrote it in a rush. The poor quality will let us know. And we shouldn’t take it easy on you. These events are scheduled a month in advance. Come prepared or don’t, but don’t make it our problem.
6.) Stop leaving as soon as you have finished performing. We will start taking attendance at the end of shows and the self-centered jerks who can’t stick around to be a part of the community will start going dead last and will be ruthlessly heckled by me.
Thank you in advance for complying with these rules. If any of the rules above apply to you and you would like to raise a concern or ask for a potential exception, we do have an appeals process in place. Please write the reason for your appeal on a sheet of paper including the date and your name. Then go to the nearest mirror, hold up the piece of paper, and say, “Hi, I’m a big dumb dumb.” Then throw the paper away, you dumb dumb. Fuck you.
Sincerely,
The Open Mic Committee (mostly Jack)
I know that we all value the ability to express ourselves and act creatively as a community, but the monthly open mics have become absolutely insufferable. As such, we have decided to add a couple new rules that we hope will make the evening better for everyone and avoid any more five hour long run times.
1.) The time limit has been changed from two songs/poems to five minutes because songs can be any length of time. You will receive a head’s up at four minutes, a warning at five, and will be interrupted with malice at five minutes and fifteen seconds. Repeat offenders will be banned from performing and will be openly mocked. You are the one’s being selfish. We are not being rude for trying to help everyone have a good time.
2.) Before repeating a chorus or stanza, please ask yourself: Is this REALLY necessary? Repetition should be used for emphasis, not to break the wills of everyone in the audience.
3.) Before making a political speech at the beginning of your set, please look around the room and make sure you aren’t about to say something that everyone in the room already agrees with. And do remember that it will count as part of your five minutes. If you want to spend three and a half minutes talking about the supreme court, your acoustic Bowie cover better be less than ninety fucking seconds.
4.) Additionally, please remember that all introductions--whether oversharing about the inspiration for a poem, shouting out your friends in the audience, or tuning the guitar you were already tuning while other people were performing--do count towards your time. If I could just ban introductions, I would die a happy man. But, apparently that’s “overly controlling” and “unfair.” So just keep it short, please.
5.) Do not start by saying, “I wrote this this morning, so go easy on me.” You don’t need to tell us you wrote it in a rush. The poor quality will let us know. And we shouldn’t take it easy on you. These events are scheduled a month in advance. Come prepared or don’t, but don’t make it our problem.
6.) Stop leaving as soon as you have finished performing. We will start taking attendance at the end of shows and the self-centered jerks who can’t stick around to be a part of the community will start going dead last and will be ruthlessly heckled by me.
Thank you in advance for complying with these rules. If any of the rules above apply to you and you would like to raise a concern or ask for a potential exception, we do have an appeals process in place. Please write the reason for your appeal on a sheet of paper including the date and your name. Then go to the nearest mirror, hold up the piece of paper, and say, “Hi, I’m a big dumb dumb.” Then throw the paper away, you dumb dumb. Fuck you.
Sincerely,
The Open Mic Committee (mostly Jack)
If you would like someone to let you know when a new edition of the East Nebraska Secret Commune Social Quarterly is available, click here and we can help you out.
Copyright © 2015