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New Rules for the Monthly Open Mics

Hello,

I know that we all value the ability to express ourselves and act creatively as a community, but the monthly open mics have become absolutely insufferable. As such, we have decided to add a couple new rules that we hope will make the evening better for everyone and avoid any more five hour long run times.

1.)  The time limit has been changed from two songs/poems to five minutes because songs can be any length of time. You will receive a head’s up at four minutes, a warning at five, and will be interrupted with malice at five minutes and fifteen seconds. Repeat offenders will be banned from performing and will be openly mocked. You are the one’s being selfish. We are not being rude for trying to help everyone have a good time.

2.)  Before repeating a chorus or stanza, please ask yourself: Is this REALLY necessary? Repetition should be used for emphasis, not to break the wills of everyone in the audience.

3.)  Before making a political speech at the beginning of your set, please look around the room and make sure you aren’t about to say something that everyone in the room already agrees with. And do remember that it will count as part of your five minutes. If you want to spend three and a half minutes talking about the supreme court, your acoustic Bowie cover better be less than ninety fucking seconds.

4.)  Additionally, please remember that all introductions--whether oversharing about the inspiration for a poem, shouting out your friends in the audience, or tuning the guitar you were already tuning while other people were performing--do count towards your time. If I could just ban introductions, I would die a happy man. But, apparently that’s “overly controlling” and “unfair.” So just keep it short, please.

5.)  Do not start by saying, “I wrote this this morning, so go easy on me.” You don’t need to tell us you wrote it in a rush. The poor quality will let us know. And we shouldn’t take it easy on you. These events are scheduled a month in advance. Come prepared or don’t, but don’t make it our problem.

6.)  Stop leaving as soon as you have finished performing. We will start taking attendance at the end of shows and the self-centered jerks who can’t stick around to be a part of the community will start going dead last and will be ruthlessly heckled by me.


Thank you in advance for complying with these rules. If any of the rules above apply to you and you would like to raise a concern or ask for a potential exception, we do have an appeals process in place. Please write the reason for your appeal on a sheet of paper including the date and your name. Then go to the nearest mirror, hold up the piece of paper, and say, “Hi, I’m a big dumb dumb.” Then throw the paper away, you dumb dumb. Fuck you.

Sincerely,

The Open Mic Committee (mostly Jack)




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  • Winter 2025
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    • Business Man Dan
    • On Lying to Yourself
    • Movie Idea No. #3
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  • This Shouldn't Have Happened
  • Spring 2024 (Photography)
    • Gaps Between Buildings
    • January 6th, 2024
    • Fake Flyers
    • Public Art #1
    • Signs
    • March 7th, 2024
    • Do You Poke Smot?
    • Public Art #2
    • September 30th, 2023
    • Pictures of the Ground
  • Winter 2024 (Letters)
    • A Form Letter for Newspapers
    • A Form Letter for Art Museums
    • A Form Letter for Film Critics
    • A Form Letter for College Professors
    • Horny Copypasta to Text People on Arbor Day
    • 20 Wonderful Messages to Write Inside a Card
  • Fall 2023 (Poetry)
    • Adrianne Lenker from the band Big Thief visits Nebraska for the Maha Music Festival
    • Three Poems That Were Written on the Same Day
    • The Silver Dollar Flapjacks of Poetry
    • Regular and Irregular Meter
    • A Question
    • Business Poetry
    • Regional News Formatted Poetically
    • The Mental Health Awareness Decade
    • A Text Exchange in Which a Secret is Revealed
    • Maybe the Closest I Have Come to Writing a Perfect Poem
    • Three Poems
    • A Series of Thoughts I Had While Watching All That Jazz
  • Summer 2023
    • General News
    • Community Postings
    • Poems
    • Regional News You Might Have Missed
    • How to Scare Your Friends Through the Mail
    • Genital-less Images
  • Spring 2023
    • General News
    • Community Postings
    • Poems
    • Regional News You Might Have Missed
    • Instructions for a Good Time Pt. 2
    • Romantic Texts to Send Anyone at Any Time
    • Regional News You Might Have Missed
  • Winter 2023
    • General News
    • Community Postings
    • Poems
    • Best of 2022
    • Opinion: On AI Generated Art
  • Fall 2022
    • General News
    • Community Postings
    • Poems
    • Creative Possum Names
    • The Secluded Sisters of the Missouri Valley
    • Regional News You Might Have Missed
    • A Zine/Challenge
    • Found Fiction
  • Summer 2022
    • Spring 2022 >
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      • Community Postings
      • Editorial: On Arming Teachers and Watching Movies
      • Regional News You Might Have Missed
      • A Letter from the Secluded Sisters of the Missouri Valley
      • Well, We Asked
      • Poems
      • Social Skills for Young Children
    • General News
    • Community Postings
    • Instructions for a Good Time
    • Regional News You Might Have Missed
    • A Letter from the Secluded Sisters of the Missouri Valley
    • Poems
    • Dating App Pics
    • Editorial: On the Fourth of July
  • Winter 2022
    • General News
    • Community Postings
    • A Letter from the Secluded Sisters of the Missouri Valley
    • Poems
    • Regional News You Might Have Missed
    • Style Tips
    • On New Years and New Resolutions
    • Children's Corner
    • A Quick Questions
  • Fall 2021
    • General News
    • Community Postings
    • Poems
    • A Letter from the Secluded Sisters of the Missouri Valley
    • Halloween Stories for Pacifists
    • How to Avoid Talking about Sports
    • Icebreaker Questions
    • Regional News
  • Summer 2021
    • General News
    • Community Postings
    • Poems
    • Apologies
    • A Letter from the Secluded Sisters of the Missouri Valley
    • Regional News You Might Have Missed
    • New Rules for the Monthly Open Mics
    • A Recipe for Fruit Pizza that Can Save a Relationship
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