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How to Avoid Talking about Sports

This fall, I noticed that about half of the people in Eastie cared very passionately about the progress of the Nebraska Huskers football team. The other half of us are--hypothetically--the kind of people who hoped they wouldn’t have to give a shit about football once we moved to a commune. So, for anyone who wants to avoid any future sports discussions, I have provided some workbook scripts below to guide you

Option 1: Get Political
A: What did you think of the game last night? 
B: You mean the game those clowns in Washington are playing? Don’t get me started! Though my opinions are controversial, they are also lengthy and tedious. 

Option 2: The Appointment
A: Do you think the Huskers will be able to succeed in tonight's game?
B: Wait, if the game is tonight, does that mean it is already Thursday?
A: No, it is Saturday. 
B: Then I need to pick someone up at the airport right now. (run away)

Option 3: Confusion 
A: Do you want to come over and watch the Husker Game tonight?
B: They still have football? Didn’t they just have football last year?
A: They have football every year. 
B: Big mistake. 

Option 4: Get Dramatic
A: Can you believe the end of that game last night?
B: Is that all you have to say to me? After everything that happened between us? After Veronica?
A: What do you mean?
B: Ughh, that’s just so like you!

Option 5: The Snob
A: Are you going to watch the game tonight?
B: Gross.
A: So what are your plans for tonight?
B: To truly live. 

Option 6: Reverse Snob
A:  Are you going to watch the game tonight?
B: Gross. I don’t watch documentaries. So boring. 
A: Football isn’t a documentary.
B: So you’re telling me those games are scripted?

Option 7: Conflict of Interests
A: Would you like to come over and watch the Husker game tonight?
B: Sorry, I’m dating the Minnesota Golden Gopher and he gets jealous if I watch other teams. 
A: That sounds pretty controlling.
B: You just don’t know him like I do! Plus, the sex is fantastic. 
A: Well how do you think Minnesota is going to do today? 
B: I really can’t say. That might count as insider trading and I’d never forgive myself if I got you in trouble with the SEC. 

Option 8: The Moralist
A: Which high school student do you think our football team should recruit? 
B: I don’t think school students should be getting high. I’m not opposed to responsible recreational drug use in adults, but I worry that it will impact brain development in children. 
A: That’s not what I meant and I think you know that. 
B: Although, I bet playing football causes more brain damage than smoking pot. 

Copyright © 2015
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  • This Shouldn't Have Happened
  • Spring 2024 (Photography)
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    • Fake Flyers
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    • Do You Poke Smot?
    • Public Art #2
    • September 30th, 2023
    • Pictures of the Ground
  • Winter 2024 (Letters)
    • A Form Letter for Newspapers
    • A Form Letter for Art Museums
    • A Form Letter for Film Critics
    • A Form Letter for College Professors
    • Horny Copypasta to Text People on Arbor Day
    • 20 Wonderful Messages to Write Inside a Card
  • Fall 2023 (Poetry)
    • Adrianne Lenker from the band Big Thief visits Nebraska for the Maha Music Festival
    • Three Poems That Were Written on the Same Day
    • The Silver Dollar Flapjacks of Poetry
    • Regular and Irregular Meter
    • A Question
    • Business Poetry
    • Regional News Formatted Poetically
    • The Mental Health Awareness Decade
    • A Text Exchange in Which a Secret is Revealed
    • Maybe the Closest I Have Come to Writing a Perfect Poem
    • Three Poems
    • A Series of Thoughts I Had While Watching All That Jazz
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    • Romantic Texts to Send Anyone at Any Time
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    • Best of 2022
    • Opinion: On AI Generated Art
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    • A Letter from the Secluded Sisters of the Missouri Valley
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  • Fall 2021
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    • A Letter from the Secluded Sisters of the Missouri Valley
    • Halloween Stories for Pacifists
    • How to Avoid Talking about Sports
    • Icebreaker Questions
    • Regional News
  • Summer 2021
    • General News
    • Community Postings
    • Poems
    • Apologies
    • A Letter from the Secluded Sisters of the Missouri Valley
    • Regional News You Might Have Missed
    • New Rules for the Monthly Open Mics
    • A Recipe for Fruit Pizza that Can Save a Relationship
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