Menu
Spring 2022
Community Postings
From: Debbiesdanceclasses.org
To: Dance lovers
DANCING LESSONS! Learn geography, algebra, and sign language all while zumbaing your ass off!!
***
From: Whitney from the Hospitality Team
To: Omaha Alumni
A Note About the Juneteenth Potluck: While we encourage people to bring homemade food, I have unilaterally decided to make an exception for any visiting alumni from Omaha who have access to Jacobo’s Salsa. THIS OFFER DOES NOT EXTEND TO OTHER STORE BOUGHT SALSAS! I will throw a jar of Pace Picante through your shitting windshield. Do you hear me?
***
From: Dave
To: The New York Times
Don’t call me an enigma. I am not an enigma. I AM DAVE! D.A.V.E. Shoot water into your butts on your own time!
***
From: Janet
To: William
Yes, I said “De Stijl my beating heart.” But I know now that what I did was wrong and I promise not to say dorky shit like that anymore. Please take me back. You’re the love of my life. Maybe we could just go to art museums separately?
***
From: Guy M.
To: Single Women in Lincoln
Are you a chill, single woman in Lincoln who just wants a sweet, kind guy to get high with and wander through a Walgreens? Then do I have the rock pianist for you!
***
From: The Millard North High School Forensics Department
To: Adults with forensics experience
Wanted: High school competitive speech judge. Must be intelligent, good with teenagers, and horny for public school teachers in autumnal cardigans.
***
From: Hank G.
To: Scientists
If dinosaurs had developed enough to open their own Walgreens, do you think we would have found those by now? Or is that just another of the many questions we are stuck waiting around for science to answer?
***
From: Cheese Trick
To: Cheese Lovers
Cheese Trick: A new Midwestern rock and roll cheese shop.
Cheese Trick, Where We Want You to Want Cheese.
2424 Wendy Dr., Bellevue, NE
***
From: The East Nebraska Secret Commune Library Programming Committee
To: Single Folks
We have started a new, weekly dating event. We are calling it:
It takes two to Pass-Go: A Singles Board Game Nights. (Multipurpose Room, Mondays at 8pm)
***
From: Debra R.
To: Ezra
I figured out what you should do for that big dramatic moment in your play! Check this out:
Daniel: What are you doing in the study, Elizabeth?
Elizabeth: Well, Daniel, I could ask you the very same question.
Daniel: Well go on then.
Elizabeth: What are you doing in the study, Daniel?
Daniel: Well, Elizabeth, I could ask you the very same question.
Elizabeth: Oh, how I do love our nightly chats.
Daniel: I couldn’t agree more!
Pause.
Daniel: Alright, now back to the dungeon with you!
Elizabeth: Daniel! You old so and so!
***
From: Nathan S.
To: Publishers who want to make a lot of $$$$$$$$$
Here’s my pitch: I’ll write a book of poetry and call it “Inspirational Poems for Graduations and Teen Birthdays.” So grandparents at Target will buy it. But then all of the poems are about weed. So the teens are like, “This dude rocks!” Everyone’s happy. And we fight opioids, I guess. So it’s tax deductible.
***
Monthly Roundtable Discussions (Second Tuesday at 8pm):
Beat around the tush: avoiding the pitfalls of wishy-washy sadomasochism (June)
Fractions speak louder than words: using math to communicate across a partisan divide (July)
Call it a Neigh: Should we let horses name themselves? (August)
Summer Double Features
This year’s theme: Schools Out for Summer
(8pm with a thirty minute intermission)
June 11th: Mean Girls (2004) / Dope (2015)
June 18th: School of Rock (2003) / Rock and Roll High School (1979)
June 25th: Booksmart (2019) / Rushmore (1998)
July 2nd: My Sex Life…Or How I Got into An Argument (1996) / Nocturama (2016)
July 9th: Scream (1996) / The Virgin Suicides (1993)
To: Dance lovers
DANCING LESSONS! Learn geography, algebra, and sign language all while zumbaing your ass off!!
***
From: Whitney from the Hospitality Team
To: Omaha Alumni
A Note About the Juneteenth Potluck: While we encourage people to bring homemade food, I have unilaterally decided to make an exception for any visiting alumni from Omaha who have access to Jacobo’s Salsa. THIS OFFER DOES NOT EXTEND TO OTHER STORE BOUGHT SALSAS! I will throw a jar of Pace Picante through your shitting windshield. Do you hear me?
***
From: Dave
To: The New York Times
Don’t call me an enigma. I am not an enigma. I AM DAVE! D.A.V.E. Shoot water into your butts on your own time!
***
From: Janet
To: William
Yes, I said “De Stijl my beating heart.” But I know now that what I did was wrong and I promise not to say dorky shit like that anymore. Please take me back. You’re the love of my life. Maybe we could just go to art museums separately?
***
From: Guy M.
To: Single Women in Lincoln
Are you a chill, single woman in Lincoln who just wants a sweet, kind guy to get high with and wander through a Walgreens? Then do I have the rock pianist for you!
***
From: The Millard North High School Forensics Department
To: Adults with forensics experience
Wanted: High school competitive speech judge. Must be intelligent, good with teenagers, and horny for public school teachers in autumnal cardigans.
***
From: Hank G.
To: Scientists
If dinosaurs had developed enough to open their own Walgreens, do you think we would have found those by now? Or is that just another of the many questions we are stuck waiting around for science to answer?
***
From: Cheese Trick
To: Cheese Lovers
Cheese Trick: A new Midwestern rock and roll cheese shop.
Cheese Trick, Where We Want You to Want Cheese.
2424 Wendy Dr., Bellevue, NE
***
From: The East Nebraska Secret Commune Library Programming Committee
To: Single Folks
We have started a new, weekly dating event. We are calling it:
It takes two to Pass-Go: A Singles Board Game Nights. (Multipurpose Room, Mondays at 8pm)
***
From: Debra R.
To: Ezra
I figured out what you should do for that big dramatic moment in your play! Check this out:
Daniel: What are you doing in the study, Elizabeth?
Elizabeth: Well, Daniel, I could ask you the very same question.
Daniel: Well go on then.
Elizabeth: What are you doing in the study, Daniel?
Daniel: Well, Elizabeth, I could ask you the very same question.
Elizabeth: Oh, how I do love our nightly chats.
Daniel: I couldn’t agree more!
Pause.
Daniel: Alright, now back to the dungeon with you!
Elizabeth: Daniel! You old so and so!
***
From: Nathan S.
To: Publishers who want to make a lot of $$$$$$$$$
Here’s my pitch: I’ll write a book of poetry and call it “Inspirational Poems for Graduations and Teen Birthdays.” So grandparents at Target will buy it. But then all of the poems are about weed. So the teens are like, “This dude rocks!” Everyone’s happy. And we fight opioids, I guess. So it’s tax deductible.
***
Monthly Roundtable Discussions (Second Tuesday at 8pm):
Beat around the tush: avoiding the pitfalls of wishy-washy sadomasochism (June)
Fractions speak louder than words: using math to communicate across a partisan divide (July)
Call it a Neigh: Should we let horses name themselves? (August)
Summer Double Features
This year’s theme: Schools Out for Summer
(8pm with a thirty minute intermission)
June 11th: Mean Girls (2004) / Dope (2015)
June 18th: School of Rock (2003) / Rock and Roll High School (1979)
June 25th: Booksmart (2019) / Rushmore (1998)
July 2nd: My Sex Life…Or How I Got into An Argument (1996) / Nocturama (2016)
July 9th: Scream (1996) / The Virgin Suicides (1993)
If you would like someone to let you know when a new edition of the East Nebraska Secret Commune Social Quarterly is available, click here and we can help you out.
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