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Summer 2022
Editorial: On the Fourth of July
This summer, I went to a Fourth of July debate. Two towns in our general area both call themselves “The Fourth of July Capital of Nebraska.” Frankly, I’m not really sure if there are many sillier things to be. There is no Fourth of July President, no Fourth of July Congress, no Fourth of July court system. So what exactly does the capital do?
I went to the “Barbecue Capital of Texas” once. And there was no barbecue executive branch, but that at least made sense as a tourist promotion; a statement saying, “We know you want to experience Texas barbecue and here is where you should go.” But that doesn’t apply to the Fourth of July Capital of Nebraska. No one is traveling to Nebraska to experience the Fourth of July. If anything, Nebraskans drive to Missouri to buy more fucked up fireworks. I think one of these towns should just give up their Fourth of July crown and be the “Talk Like a Pirate Day Capital of Nebraska.” Then they could at least lure in some fun dorks for a weekend. That’s a thousand times better than Wilbur’s fucking Czech Days, and people love that.
The debate was a big joke. And I don’t mean that in a derogatory way. Everyone involved knew it was a joke. It was all a silly way for a couple of mayors to get some media attention. But unfortunately, the joke wasn’t as funny as I thought it would be. I don’t quite know what I was expecting. Maybe an Uncle Sam mascot with a confetti cannon? Certainly some homemade ice cream. Who are these Fourth of July posers who don’t even have homemade ice cream?
The truth is that politicians saying positive things about America gets really boring really fast. It’s always the same vague buzzwords. Freedom. Liberty. This brave nation this. This great nation that. Yada yada yada yada. Writing is all about the specific. And these button up, blue shirted dorks were terrible writers. I guess I don’t envy them. It’s much easier for me to reference specific things I hate about America. The same week that Roe v. Wade was overturned, I went to an art exhibit with a bunch of first person stories of people tortured by the Chicago Police and the guards at Guantanamo Bay. See that? Three details in one sentence.
This summer, an award-winning filmmaker named Jafar Panahi was thrown into jail and given a six year sentence. This was part of wider crackdown in Iran that led to multiple filmmakers seeing jail time. Back in 2010, Jafar Panahi had been put under house arrest and banned from making films. After quietly making a movie in his apartment, Panahi had to sneak it out of the country by hiding a thumb drive in a cake. The 2010 charges that led to his undue punishment were for creating “propaganda against the system.” I started to think about how many humans throughout recorded history have not had the ability to openly criticize their government. And yet I take it so much for granted that if a friend described a movie to me as “propaganda against the system,” I would roll my eyes. Maybe that is a low bar, but that is a very specific thing I like about America.
I have noticed that boring conservatives tend to go on and on about the Constitution and the founding fathers as if the coolest thing about America was when they wrote the rulebook. How ridiculous! Can you imagine a basketball fan who cares more about James Naismith than Michael Jordan? Have you ever watched any of those earliest filmed games? No! Of course not! It’d be more interesting to watch C-Span reruns from the 1820’s. Luckily basketball is free from some silly contingent of weirdos who stress over the “framer’s intention” behind lay-ups.
One of the mayors even pulled a pocket Constitution out of his (wait for it) pocket. I mean, can you imagine working with someone who is such a kiss-ass that they carry the employee manual around with them? And then hold it up and shake it like a crucifix in a vampire movie while they piddle on with some argument? We aren’t our government. If you gave Denmark our wrinkly old constitution, they wouldn’t magically become America. And if we got a cool new rulebook with a racing stripe and flames on the side, we wouldn’t have to stop making apple pie.
Yes, America overturned Roe v. Wade. But most Americans are mad about that. So who gets to count as America? When “law enforcement” wages war on those who peacefully protest their brutality, the cops and those they shoot with rubber bullets are all America. So why are thoughtful and empathetic people so willing to cede ground to the fascist fucks who claim to stand for America? Their image of America barely includes a quarter of the people in it.
And when the government acts against our wishes, why do they get to claim American-ness? I was talking to a thirty-two year old and they pointed out that--in their entire life--a Republican president had only won the popular vote once (in 2004). So this 6-3 conservative Supreme Court is not “American.” It is just the unexpected side effects of some old, irrelevant rag from the 1700’s.
If I were debating those raggedy mayors, I’d say: “The Fourth of July was a minor step for America. In separating our fates from the goddamn British, things got a little better. A little. And over the years, things have continued to get a little better, bit by bit (even though there are still many problems). But on this already hot day in the middle of the summer, we will cook over open flames and set things on fire in celebration of all of the people who have fought to make our lives a little better. People in the eighteenth, nineteenth, and twentieth centuries. Because surely it is better to be alive in America in 2022 than it was in 1790. And surely America can be even better as long as we can keep these fascist fucks at bay. So let’s all raise a cheap beer to some things I really like about America: baseball, General Tso’s chicken, bell hooks, and The Pixies.”
And then the crowd would go wild. Maybe they’d even carry me out on their shoulders. Up to them. I’m not picky. What’s important is just that they celebrate me.
I went to the “Barbecue Capital of Texas” once. And there was no barbecue executive branch, but that at least made sense as a tourist promotion; a statement saying, “We know you want to experience Texas barbecue and here is where you should go.” But that doesn’t apply to the Fourth of July Capital of Nebraska. No one is traveling to Nebraska to experience the Fourth of July. If anything, Nebraskans drive to Missouri to buy more fucked up fireworks. I think one of these towns should just give up their Fourth of July crown and be the “Talk Like a Pirate Day Capital of Nebraska.” Then they could at least lure in some fun dorks for a weekend. That’s a thousand times better than Wilbur’s fucking Czech Days, and people love that.
The debate was a big joke. And I don’t mean that in a derogatory way. Everyone involved knew it was a joke. It was all a silly way for a couple of mayors to get some media attention. But unfortunately, the joke wasn’t as funny as I thought it would be. I don’t quite know what I was expecting. Maybe an Uncle Sam mascot with a confetti cannon? Certainly some homemade ice cream. Who are these Fourth of July posers who don’t even have homemade ice cream?
The truth is that politicians saying positive things about America gets really boring really fast. It’s always the same vague buzzwords. Freedom. Liberty. This brave nation this. This great nation that. Yada yada yada yada. Writing is all about the specific. And these button up, blue shirted dorks were terrible writers. I guess I don’t envy them. It’s much easier for me to reference specific things I hate about America. The same week that Roe v. Wade was overturned, I went to an art exhibit with a bunch of first person stories of people tortured by the Chicago Police and the guards at Guantanamo Bay. See that? Three details in one sentence.
This summer, an award-winning filmmaker named Jafar Panahi was thrown into jail and given a six year sentence. This was part of wider crackdown in Iran that led to multiple filmmakers seeing jail time. Back in 2010, Jafar Panahi had been put under house arrest and banned from making films. After quietly making a movie in his apartment, Panahi had to sneak it out of the country by hiding a thumb drive in a cake. The 2010 charges that led to his undue punishment were for creating “propaganda against the system.” I started to think about how many humans throughout recorded history have not had the ability to openly criticize their government. And yet I take it so much for granted that if a friend described a movie to me as “propaganda against the system,” I would roll my eyes. Maybe that is a low bar, but that is a very specific thing I like about America.
I have noticed that boring conservatives tend to go on and on about the Constitution and the founding fathers as if the coolest thing about America was when they wrote the rulebook. How ridiculous! Can you imagine a basketball fan who cares more about James Naismith than Michael Jordan? Have you ever watched any of those earliest filmed games? No! Of course not! It’d be more interesting to watch C-Span reruns from the 1820’s. Luckily basketball is free from some silly contingent of weirdos who stress over the “framer’s intention” behind lay-ups.
One of the mayors even pulled a pocket Constitution out of his (wait for it) pocket. I mean, can you imagine working with someone who is such a kiss-ass that they carry the employee manual around with them? And then hold it up and shake it like a crucifix in a vampire movie while they piddle on with some argument? We aren’t our government. If you gave Denmark our wrinkly old constitution, they wouldn’t magically become America. And if we got a cool new rulebook with a racing stripe and flames on the side, we wouldn’t have to stop making apple pie.
Yes, America overturned Roe v. Wade. But most Americans are mad about that. So who gets to count as America? When “law enforcement” wages war on those who peacefully protest their brutality, the cops and those they shoot with rubber bullets are all America. So why are thoughtful and empathetic people so willing to cede ground to the fascist fucks who claim to stand for America? Their image of America barely includes a quarter of the people in it.
And when the government acts against our wishes, why do they get to claim American-ness? I was talking to a thirty-two year old and they pointed out that--in their entire life--a Republican president had only won the popular vote once (in 2004). So this 6-3 conservative Supreme Court is not “American.” It is just the unexpected side effects of some old, irrelevant rag from the 1700’s.
If I were debating those raggedy mayors, I’d say: “The Fourth of July was a minor step for America. In separating our fates from the goddamn British, things got a little better. A little. And over the years, things have continued to get a little better, bit by bit (even though there are still many problems). But on this already hot day in the middle of the summer, we will cook over open flames and set things on fire in celebration of all of the people who have fought to make our lives a little better. People in the eighteenth, nineteenth, and twentieth centuries. Because surely it is better to be alive in America in 2022 than it was in 1790. And surely America can be even better as long as we can keep these fascist fucks at bay. So let’s all raise a cheap beer to some things I really like about America: baseball, General Tso’s chicken, bell hooks, and The Pixies.”
And then the crowd would go wild. Maybe they’d even carry me out on their shoulders. Up to them. I’m not picky. What’s important is just that they celebrate me.
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