Regional News You Might Have Missed

News
Underfunded School Rallies Together to Fight the Odds, Loses (Nodaway County Reader, Sue Philips)

North Dakota Announces New Tourism Campaign of “Being a Sassy Little Fuck” (The Fargo Herald, Christian Jaspers)

The Celestial Beginning of Summer Marked the Symbolic End of the Local Handjob Crisis (Wichita Daily Star, Dan Tist)

To Raise Money for Charity, Local Teacher Danced for Three Days Straight Except When He was Tired or Hungry or Needed to be at Work (The North Platte World, Tito Jackson [unrelated])

Oklahoma Governor Kevin Stitt to Take a Three Month Sabbatical and Reconnect with Himself as a Sexual Being (Tulsa Times, Tito Jackson [also unrelated])

Turtle Dies, Goes Straight to Hell (Omaha Tribune, Tito Jackson [the famous one])

Editorials
It’s great to see that in these politically divided times, Coloradans can still get together to do the Bartman (The Greeley Mountaineer, Nancy Carre-Twright)

Richard Nixon’s legacy lives on, even though that dude is so fucking dead (The Springfield Nebraskan, Editorial Staff)

Dear young people: Sure, that basket might have bread in it, but do you want a reputation as someone who’s always peepin’ in baskets?  (Yankton Gazette, Edmond Scissorfeets)

If Mayor Williamson isn’t in bed with the cooper union, then where did all those wooden casks come from? (Red Oak Weekly, Jonathan Depths)