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Summer 2023
How to Scare Your Friends through the Mail
Step 1: Buy five postcards. Pick something your friend will like (for when they display them later in their great hall or foyer).
Step 2: Write the five messages below.
Step 3: Mail the postcards at one week increments.
Step 4: If your friend asks you about the postcards, DO NOT admit that you know anything about them. Instead, say something like: “Wow, that’s so strange. Are you okay? If something like this were happening to me, I’d be so scared. Really, just a very scary situation you find yourself in. So if there is any way I can support you as a friend in this scary time, please let me know.”
***
Hello,
We are the government! And your friend _________ has reported you to our meanest bad guys. They say you’re weird and maybe even some sort of pinko. Please turn yourself in! I am very comfortable at my big government desk and really don’t want to have to get up right now.
Sincerely,
Mx. Government Jones
***
Hello,
I have been checking Microsoft Teams all week, but I still haven’t received anything letting me know that you have turned yourself in! Why not? Me and all of us government people are very mad at you! And if you don’t turn yourself in soon, I can’t even imagine how mad we will get.
Your friend _________ keeps sending us updates about your behavior and, frankly, we’re all worried about you. You’re a textbook “Weird Pinko.” We’re still using a used DSM from 1978, so technically this is a disease! Luckily, we have scientists who can help you. You just need to turn yourself in!
Please! For everyone’s sake!
Sincerely,
Mx. Government Jones
***
Hello,
I know you’re getting these letters! I know all of the government things! So why aren’t you turning yourself in? Or at least writing me back? This is SO RUDE! Were you raised in a barn? Is this just how you are? A rude, rude weirdo? Do you eat with your elbows on the table? Do you fart into your partner’s crotch when you are the post-coital little spoon? What is wrong with you? Me and everyone at the government thinks you are gross.
You have three days to find me and the rest of the government and turn yourself in! If you have not done so by then, we will be forced to come and pick you up ourselves.
Sincerely,
Mx. Government Jones
***
Hello,
Okay, so you called my bluff! Congratulations! But DO NOT--even for a second--think that this means that we are not mad.
But we are not mad at you. No, this isn’t your fault. You don’t want to be such an odd-ball. Who would? __________ tells us that you keep talking about “systematic injustice” and “collective action.” We’re not really sure what that means, but we know it’s the sort of thing you would only talk about if you were gay or had ADHD or something.
So you see, we are not mad at you. We are just mad at whatever demon got stuck in your head. All you have to do is find me and the rest of us cool government people and everything will be okay again. We have the tools to handle this!
Sincerely,
Mx. Government Jones
***
Hello,
I regret to inform you that my department is being put in hibernation mode. Apparently, Joe Biden has now officially become president, so we are going to chill out until we get another cool, maniac president like the ones I like. We can’t help you until then. But as a friend--and I do consider us friends--I would still encourage you to take any steps available to you to change everything about yourself.
Sincerely,
Dr. Government Jones
P.S. I’ve seen this downturn coming, so I’ve been taking classes at night. I just defended my thesis on Post-Boom literature! I’m very proud of myself for continuing my education. Every day is a chance to learn.
P.P.S. If you are thinking: “Really? How could a United States Intelligence official get deep into twentieth century Latin American literature and still talk and act in such a way?” -- then please just know that I have very little self-awareness.
Step 2: Write the five messages below.
Step 3: Mail the postcards at one week increments.
Step 4: If your friend asks you about the postcards, DO NOT admit that you know anything about them. Instead, say something like: “Wow, that’s so strange. Are you okay? If something like this were happening to me, I’d be so scared. Really, just a very scary situation you find yourself in. So if there is any way I can support you as a friend in this scary time, please let me know.”
***
Hello,
We are the government! And your friend _________ has reported you to our meanest bad guys. They say you’re weird and maybe even some sort of pinko. Please turn yourself in! I am very comfortable at my big government desk and really don’t want to have to get up right now.
Sincerely,
Mx. Government Jones
***
Hello,
I have been checking Microsoft Teams all week, but I still haven’t received anything letting me know that you have turned yourself in! Why not? Me and all of us government people are very mad at you! And if you don’t turn yourself in soon, I can’t even imagine how mad we will get.
Your friend _________ keeps sending us updates about your behavior and, frankly, we’re all worried about you. You’re a textbook “Weird Pinko.” We’re still using a used DSM from 1978, so technically this is a disease! Luckily, we have scientists who can help you. You just need to turn yourself in!
Please! For everyone’s sake!
Sincerely,
Mx. Government Jones
***
Hello,
I know you’re getting these letters! I know all of the government things! So why aren’t you turning yourself in? Or at least writing me back? This is SO RUDE! Were you raised in a barn? Is this just how you are? A rude, rude weirdo? Do you eat with your elbows on the table? Do you fart into your partner’s crotch when you are the post-coital little spoon? What is wrong with you? Me and everyone at the government thinks you are gross.
You have three days to find me and the rest of the government and turn yourself in! If you have not done so by then, we will be forced to come and pick you up ourselves.
Sincerely,
Mx. Government Jones
***
Hello,
Okay, so you called my bluff! Congratulations! But DO NOT--even for a second--think that this means that we are not mad.
But we are not mad at you. No, this isn’t your fault. You don’t want to be such an odd-ball. Who would? __________ tells us that you keep talking about “systematic injustice” and “collective action.” We’re not really sure what that means, but we know it’s the sort of thing you would only talk about if you were gay or had ADHD or something.
So you see, we are not mad at you. We are just mad at whatever demon got stuck in your head. All you have to do is find me and the rest of us cool government people and everything will be okay again. We have the tools to handle this!
Sincerely,
Mx. Government Jones
***
Hello,
I regret to inform you that my department is being put in hibernation mode. Apparently, Joe Biden has now officially become president, so we are going to chill out until we get another cool, maniac president like the ones I like. We can’t help you until then. But as a friend--and I do consider us friends--I would still encourage you to take any steps available to you to change everything about yourself.
Sincerely,
Dr. Government Jones
P.S. I’ve seen this downturn coming, so I’ve been taking classes at night. I just defended my thesis on Post-Boom literature! I’m very proud of myself for continuing my education. Every day is a chance to learn.
P.P.S. If you are thinking: “Really? How could a United States Intelligence official get deep into twentieth century Latin American literature and still talk and act in such a way?” -- then please just know that I have very little self-awareness.
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