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Community Postings - Sampler
From: Erin R.
To: All
If anyone has books on how to make my box turtle faster and stronger, please let me know. I can't find any at the public library.
***
From: Hank G.
To: Scientists
Is mass hysteria smaller on the moon? Or is that volume hysteria?
***
From: David S.
To: Everyone
People say “Punk saved my life.” Not me. In fact, I was drowning once and Punk didn’t do a goddamn thing. So Punk isn’t as cool as everybody says. If you’re drowning, you’re gonna want a competent lifeguard. A competent lifeguard saved my life. Joey Ramone can huff my fucking shorts.
***
From: Greg
To: Scientists
What is the number of donuts I could keep in a winter coat before it gets weird? Is it 8?
***
From: Dave
To: The New York Times
Don’t call me an enigma. I am not an enigma. I AM DAVE! D.A.V.E. Shoot water into your butts on your own time!
***
From: Samantha J.
To: Hungry Foodies
Would you like some guacamole? It’s my mom’s recipe. You know her secret ingredient? She replaces the onions with cake. $30
***
From: Jo R.
To: Joe T.
Your mother was right about you! You are 187 centimeters tall. Such a precise woman.
***
From: Rosie
To: Tristan and Guy
If you don’t cut out all that racket-ball, I'm going to squash you!
That’s a joke, but you do need to stop playing racquetball so loud in the den. Some of us are trying to record an audiobook.
***
From: Hank G
To: Scientists
If birds are related by dinosaurs, does that mean they shouldn't like kiss and stuff? Because then this graphic novel I'm working on is gonna be all shot to shit.
***
From: Naomi
To: Adam
Hey, I want coffee. Do you want coffee? Or are you one of those guys who insists on having his own wants and desires?
***
From: Davidson’s Auto Repair
To: Cool people with cool cars who don’t want to be taken for chumps
Slow and steady wins the race? Yeah, the slow and steady race. But who even watches slow and steady races in the first place? Not me! I'm never going down to the bar on a Friday night to watch the slow and steady race. I'm never betting money on who's gonna finish first in the slow and steady race. You know what I like? Fast Things! Speedy. Quick. Zooming right past you. So why are you spending so much money on breaks? You didn’t buy a car for it to sit still! At Davidson’s Auto Repair, we’ll put your money where it’ll do the most good: bigger faster wheels to make your neighbors jealous and horny as hell.
***
From: Andrew
To: Phil
On the train of life, sometimes the most important thing is just to stay on the tracks. But my life is not like a train. It's more like a waffle. So sometimes in my life, the most important thing is to be covered in syrup.
***
From: Claire
To: Hollywood (or whoever makes the stuff on my Roku, I guess)
Why does Sherlock Holmes always have a British accent? When are we just going to get a normal one?
***
From: Elinor
To: Anyone with $3,000
For sale, restaurant name: I Love What You’ve Done with the Crepes.
***
From: James
To: Ed
Don't tell me to calm down! You know I can't regulate my emotions.
***
From: Hank G.
To: Scientists
How do we know the wind is blowing and not sucking?
To: All
If anyone has books on how to make my box turtle faster and stronger, please let me know. I can't find any at the public library.
***
From: Hank G.
To: Scientists
Is mass hysteria smaller on the moon? Or is that volume hysteria?
***
From: David S.
To: Everyone
People say “Punk saved my life.” Not me. In fact, I was drowning once and Punk didn’t do a goddamn thing. So Punk isn’t as cool as everybody says. If you’re drowning, you’re gonna want a competent lifeguard. A competent lifeguard saved my life. Joey Ramone can huff my fucking shorts.
***
From: Greg
To: Scientists
What is the number of donuts I could keep in a winter coat before it gets weird? Is it 8?
***
From: Dave
To: The New York Times
Don’t call me an enigma. I am not an enigma. I AM DAVE! D.A.V.E. Shoot water into your butts on your own time!
***
From: Samantha J.
To: Hungry Foodies
Would you like some guacamole? It’s my mom’s recipe. You know her secret ingredient? She replaces the onions with cake. $30
***
From: Jo R.
To: Joe T.
Your mother was right about you! You are 187 centimeters tall. Such a precise woman.
***
From: Rosie
To: Tristan and Guy
If you don’t cut out all that racket-ball, I'm going to squash you!
That’s a joke, but you do need to stop playing racquetball so loud in the den. Some of us are trying to record an audiobook.
***
From: Hank G
To: Scientists
If birds are related by dinosaurs, does that mean they shouldn't like kiss and stuff? Because then this graphic novel I'm working on is gonna be all shot to shit.
***
From: Naomi
To: Adam
Hey, I want coffee. Do you want coffee? Or are you one of those guys who insists on having his own wants and desires?
***
From: Davidson’s Auto Repair
To: Cool people with cool cars who don’t want to be taken for chumps
Slow and steady wins the race? Yeah, the slow and steady race. But who even watches slow and steady races in the first place? Not me! I'm never going down to the bar on a Friday night to watch the slow and steady race. I'm never betting money on who's gonna finish first in the slow and steady race. You know what I like? Fast Things! Speedy. Quick. Zooming right past you. So why are you spending so much money on breaks? You didn’t buy a car for it to sit still! At Davidson’s Auto Repair, we’ll put your money where it’ll do the most good: bigger faster wheels to make your neighbors jealous and horny as hell.
***
From: Andrew
To: Phil
On the train of life, sometimes the most important thing is just to stay on the tracks. But my life is not like a train. It's more like a waffle. So sometimes in my life, the most important thing is to be covered in syrup.
***
From: Claire
To: Hollywood (or whoever makes the stuff on my Roku, I guess)
Why does Sherlock Holmes always have a British accent? When are we just going to get a normal one?
***
From: Elinor
To: Anyone with $3,000
For sale, restaurant name: I Love What You’ve Done with the Crepes.
***
From: James
To: Ed
Don't tell me to calm down! You know I can't regulate my emotions.
***
From: Hank G.
To: Scientists
How do we know the wind is blowing and not sucking?
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