Poems

Mysterious Runes

I woke up one morning to find that my love had turned into a piece of paper. The paper was worn and soft and covered in mysterious runes. Every morning, I put my love--though they were now a piece of paper--in my bra, so that they would always be near my heart. 

The mysterious runes looked familiar. Some were letters. Some shapes. Some squiggles. 
I spend every night racing through the web trying to find this mysterious language. It was nowhere to be found. After two months, my computer gave up the ghost. 
Overheating. 
Constant use. 
I wasn’t feeling much better. 
My friends and my family and my therapist all said I needed to give up. 
So I did. 

Months passed. 
A year. 
And then one day
I realized I was ready to love again. 

I returned to the queer bar I had abandoned long ago along with the other sad trappings of my single life.
I drank and played pool and pretended to feel carefree. 

Then a tall woman with broad shoulders and a soft cardigan noticed me from across the room. 
And
Somehow
Within the hour
I was on her couch. 

She slowly unbuttoned my shirt with one hand while the other gripped the back of my head. She brought herself closer to me,
But then retreated. 

“Why do you have a note in your bra that says, ‘I’m leaving you for someone who can read my handwriting?’”

***

Todd Rundgren Beach Sex 

I don’t wanna work, 
I just wanna bang in the sun all day. 

***

10 Things I really really really dislike about you

10) Your face
9) Your selfishness
8) Poor hygiene
7) Your car always smells like old apples 
6) You drink way too much milk
5) You keep asking people whether they like your new shoes. But they aren’t new. You’ve had them for 2 months. I’ve already told you I like them ten times. Let me live!
4) There was that one time that you called and asked me to help your friend because he was drunk and getting sick and you were too wasted to help. I let you come over, but once we got your friend on the couch, you ran away--like literally sprinted--and then I stayed up until 4am watching The Simpsons and force feeding your friend water and crackers. 
3) Your ties to big oil 
2) The rest of your body
1) That you exist at all

Life isn’t always like the movies. 
Now stop serenading me!

***

“Honey, I Shrunk the Horny Todd Rundgren” 

I don’t wanna work, 
I just wanna bang by this crumb all day. 

***

Scary Movie

I watched a scary movie the other day
It had this character who writes poetry
And everyone made fun of him 
behind his back.
Oh no!

***

A Mid-Morning Plea

*soft piano music* 
But what if we… 
*rain gently patters against the window* 
…were meant for each other? 
*bites into a sloppy breakfast sandwich*

***

An Oedipal Todd Rundgren 

I don’t wanna work, 
I just wanna bang with my mom all day

***

A Conversation I overheard between two accountants in their thirties

1: Hey, does it smell like up-dog in here?
2: I don’t know what that is. 
1: You don’t think it smells like up-dog? 
2: I don’t know what to tell you. 
1: Well I can smell it. 
2: Good for you then. 
1: What’s with the attitude?
2: I just don’t know what you’re talking about. What are you smelling? 
1: Up-dog!
2: I don’t know what that is!
Pause
1: You’re supposed to say “What’s up-dog?”
2: Why? What are you talking about?
1: Like: What’s. Up. Dog. 
Pause. 
Pause. 
Pause. 
2: Oh, it’s supposed to be a joke!