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Summer 2025
Chapter 1
Monday, June 16th
Technically, my first step towards running three miles happened last Friday. After spending the morning getting more and more worried about politics, my partner (T) suggested, “Maybe you want to take a little walk?” Frankly, I didn’t want to take a little walk. But when I am really freaking out, I find it is best to take whatever advice the people around me offer. The best solution I could come up with at that moment was to keep watching more YouTube shorts, which was only making things worse.
As I made it outside, the rain started. I decided to pretend this was a good thing. The world meeting me where I am at. She’s saying, “Let’s have a big bummer walk together, buddy!”
Then, three blocks from home, I decided to run the rest of the way. In part, I was hoping that a tiny run would burn off some of my anxious energy. But also, the day before, I had decided to run three miles and write about it.
Honestly, it is kinda hard to understand just what I was thinking. Running three blocks in the rain isn’t really that good of a story. I’m the only character and I easily overcame my only obstacle (rain) to achieve a goal that isn’t all that impressive (running three blocks).
So why have I still started with this story? Because it illustrates why I am doing this project in the first place. My only hope of getting into running is by writing about it.
Over the last year, I have found that taking long walks has had a positive effect on my anxiety. When I’m feeling really overwhelmed, I take a ninety minute walk. It feels incredible. I really get lost out there. But ninety minutes is hard to find in my schedule. I tried to take more little walks, but it didn’t have any effect at all. Over time, I realized that the walks only helped if I walked long enough that I felt like my feet were about to fall off.
People have been telling me all my life that I might feel better if I exercised more. And in my defense, I definitely have exercised some. But I have now come to worry that my normal exercises are too lovely. Yoga. Bike rides by the lake. Long walks at dusk. These are all things that I often look forward to in my day. And yet, despite all of these joyful physical activities, I still have anxiety. I need something that will make me feel like I am about to die. Luckily, that’s exactly how running makes me feel.
So now I have to run. Because I’m writing about it. Which means that I either have to keep running or come up with a better idea before the end of the summer.
***
Wednesday, June 18th
I have come to learn that the worst part about running is that I still have to use my body the rest of the time. The run is hard enough, but then I also have to clean my living room before my brother comes over. And my body was not thrilled about bending over to pick up the library books scattered all over the floor. I almost died.
The second worst part is that I am still subject to normal problems in addition to running problems. I got lost while it was raining today. The running is hard enough.
As I write this, I am feeling very conscious that statistically some of the people who read this will be runners; maybe even a few who look forward to runs. If that is you, I hope that you can forgive all my whining. It’s just so consistently terrible.
My secret hope is that I will figure out how to enjoy running through this process, but I am not there yet.
***
Thursday, June 19th
My plan right now is to start with intervals and try to work my way up to jogging. So far, that has meant:
Despite the difficult start, I left the run feeling confident. Going from thirty seconds to ninety seconds felt like a big leap. Then I looked at my route on a map and realized that I had only gone a mile and a half. My assumption was that the hardest part of this would be getting to a point where I could jog consistently without stopping to rest. But maybe the hard part will actually be the three miles.
As a quick side note, I have decided to refer to any outing in which I both walk and run as a run. I cannot think of a succinct and run way to talk about interval based exercises.
Originally, I was planning to do yoga on every off day. There was even a little ambitious part of me cheering, “Maybe I learn to do the splits at the same time!” But then this Tuesday, I ended up going to see The Materialist instead of doing yoga. And I genuinely think this means that I am never going to do yoga on my break days.
I can be quick to quit a project once I get a little behind, so I am trying to avoid having any very set plans. I put on gym clothes. I leave the house. I make a plan. I change it three times. I hope it’s going okay.
***
**Spoiler warning for The Materialist**
The Materialist is about a woman choosing between two obviously doomed relationships. On its face, this is a movie about a woman choosing between a relationship with an angry struggling actor who loves her and a rich guy who only likes her. But under its surface, this is a movie about a woman who dates a really rich guy for one month, then freaks out when they only really like each other. And rather than date for another month and see how the relationship develops, she marries her ex and probably quits her job. I wouldn’t recommend it. But if you’ve already seen it, I’d love to talk to you about it.
***
Sunday, June 22nd
I knew that the summer weather was going to be a factor.
But in my mind, I thought it didn’t need to be that big of a deal.
Sure, things would be hot during the day! But they’d get colder at night!
That was wishful thinking.
It’s actually hot all the fucking time.
I discovered that my weather app has a cute “Activity Forecast” section. It tells you whether it is a good time to run, bike, or garden. Apparently it’s a terrible time for all three. Too hot!
My weather app communicates running viability through emojis. Turns out, it is an angry crying red face for the rest of the night. It will be even hotter tomorrow. Then thunderstorms for the next four days.
It is possible that I will try to go on a run tonight, but I am not sure it is a good idea. I could wait for the sun to go down, but it will still be ninety degrees. I suppose that this is part of why so many people go running in the morning. It will be ten degrees colder at sunrise tomorrow than at sunset tonight. But if I wake up before 8am, I will feel like I am dying the rest of the day. There are limits in how far I am willing to go in trying to run three miles. Waking up early is off the table.
The last time I tried to wake up early in the morning was six years ago. I wasn’t writing very consistently and had settled into a habit of buying gas station donuts instead of having a real breakfast. In my head, I would just wake up at 6am, write for an hour, have a nice relaxing breakfast, and start my day off right. But when I put this plan into action, I was too miserably tired to do anything. Instead of writing, I would pace back and forth trying to wake up enough to think. Too tired to cook, I was still buying gas station donuts. I tried for two weeks without any change in my misery, then threw in the towel. In the end, I gave up because I was having trouble staying awake in the evenings. Honestly, my best hours in the day are usually 8pm-11pm. That’s when I’m having the most fun. That’s when I’m most productive. And I was not ready to spend that time in bed. I wanted to spend that time doing improv and biking around Philadelphia. So I did.
Since then, I have learned more about sleep and better understand that being a morning person is not something that you can force. Everyone has a different internal clock. And my clock is deep asleep during the rise of the summer sun. So, I bought a membership to the fitness center in the park across the street. This seems like my best defense against the heat and the thunder. I was going to before it closed early today, but I slept in and then had an improv audition.
I am not willing to let running change who I am.
***
Monday, June 23rd
This morning, I woke up a little under the weather. So, after I got done with work, I went straight to the gym, then to a movie, and then ate a double cheeseburger at 10pm.
I am now feeling much worse. Depending on who you ask, this is somewhere between completely and entirely my fault.
Who knows? Maybe I’m wrong. I’d love to find someone else to blame.
Technically, my first step towards running three miles happened last Friday. After spending the morning getting more and more worried about politics, my partner (T) suggested, “Maybe you want to take a little walk?” Frankly, I didn’t want to take a little walk. But when I am really freaking out, I find it is best to take whatever advice the people around me offer. The best solution I could come up with at that moment was to keep watching more YouTube shorts, which was only making things worse.
As I made it outside, the rain started. I decided to pretend this was a good thing. The world meeting me where I am at. She’s saying, “Let’s have a big bummer walk together, buddy!”
Then, three blocks from home, I decided to run the rest of the way. In part, I was hoping that a tiny run would burn off some of my anxious energy. But also, the day before, I had decided to run three miles and write about it.
Honestly, it is kinda hard to understand just what I was thinking. Running three blocks in the rain isn’t really that good of a story. I’m the only character and I easily overcame my only obstacle (rain) to achieve a goal that isn’t all that impressive (running three blocks).
So why have I still started with this story? Because it illustrates why I am doing this project in the first place. My only hope of getting into running is by writing about it.
Over the last year, I have found that taking long walks has had a positive effect on my anxiety. When I’m feeling really overwhelmed, I take a ninety minute walk. It feels incredible. I really get lost out there. But ninety minutes is hard to find in my schedule. I tried to take more little walks, but it didn’t have any effect at all. Over time, I realized that the walks only helped if I walked long enough that I felt like my feet were about to fall off.
People have been telling me all my life that I might feel better if I exercised more. And in my defense, I definitely have exercised some. But I have now come to worry that my normal exercises are too lovely. Yoga. Bike rides by the lake. Long walks at dusk. These are all things that I often look forward to in my day. And yet, despite all of these joyful physical activities, I still have anxiety. I need something that will make me feel like I am about to die. Luckily, that’s exactly how running makes me feel.
So now I have to run. Because I’m writing about it. Which means that I either have to keep running or come up with a better idea before the end of the summer.
***
Wednesday, June 18th
I have come to learn that the worst part about running is that I still have to use my body the rest of the time. The run is hard enough, but then I also have to clean my living room before my brother comes over. And my body was not thrilled about bending over to pick up the library books scattered all over the floor. I almost died.
The second worst part is that I am still subject to normal problems in addition to running problems. I got lost while it was raining today. The running is hard enough.
As I write this, I am feeling very conscious that statistically some of the people who read this will be runners; maybe even a few who look forward to runs. If that is you, I hope that you can forgive all my whining. It’s just so consistently terrible.
My secret hope is that I will figure out how to enjoy running through this process, but I am not there yet.
***
Thursday, June 19th
My plan right now is to start with intervals and try to work my way up to jogging. So far, that has meant:
- Monday, 30 minutes, run for thirty seconds then walk for one minute
- Wednesday, 20 minutes, jog for ninety seconds then walk for one minute
Despite the difficult start, I left the run feeling confident. Going from thirty seconds to ninety seconds felt like a big leap. Then I looked at my route on a map and realized that I had only gone a mile and a half. My assumption was that the hardest part of this would be getting to a point where I could jog consistently without stopping to rest. But maybe the hard part will actually be the three miles.
As a quick side note, I have decided to refer to any outing in which I both walk and run as a run. I cannot think of a succinct and run way to talk about interval based exercises.
Originally, I was planning to do yoga on every off day. There was even a little ambitious part of me cheering, “Maybe I learn to do the splits at the same time!” But then this Tuesday, I ended up going to see The Materialist instead of doing yoga. And I genuinely think this means that I am never going to do yoga on my break days.
I can be quick to quit a project once I get a little behind, so I am trying to avoid having any very set plans. I put on gym clothes. I leave the house. I make a plan. I change it three times. I hope it’s going okay.
***
**Spoiler warning for The Materialist**
The Materialist is about a woman choosing between two obviously doomed relationships. On its face, this is a movie about a woman choosing between a relationship with an angry struggling actor who loves her and a rich guy who only likes her. But under its surface, this is a movie about a woman who dates a really rich guy for one month, then freaks out when they only really like each other. And rather than date for another month and see how the relationship develops, she marries her ex and probably quits her job. I wouldn’t recommend it. But if you’ve already seen it, I’d love to talk to you about it.
***
Sunday, June 22nd
I knew that the summer weather was going to be a factor.
But in my mind, I thought it didn’t need to be that big of a deal.
Sure, things would be hot during the day! But they’d get colder at night!
That was wishful thinking.
It’s actually hot all the fucking time.
I discovered that my weather app has a cute “Activity Forecast” section. It tells you whether it is a good time to run, bike, or garden. Apparently it’s a terrible time for all three. Too hot!
My weather app communicates running viability through emojis. Turns out, it is an angry crying red face for the rest of the night. It will be even hotter tomorrow. Then thunderstorms for the next four days.
It is possible that I will try to go on a run tonight, but I am not sure it is a good idea. I could wait for the sun to go down, but it will still be ninety degrees. I suppose that this is part of why so many people go running in the morning. It will be ten degrees colder at sunrise tomorrow than at sunset tonight. But if I wake up before 8am, I will feel like I am dying the rest of the day. There are limits in how far I am willing to go in trying to run three miles. Waking up early is off the table.
The last time I tried to wake up early in the morning was six years ago. I wasn’t writing very consistently and had settled into a habit of buying gas station donuts instead of having a real breakfast. In my head, I would just wake up at 6am, write for an hour, have a nice relaxing breakfast, and start my day off right. But when I put this plan into action, I was too miserably tired to do anything. Instead of writing, I would pace back and forth trying to wake up enough to think. Too tired to cook, I was still buying gas station donuts. I tried for two weeks without any change in my misery, then threw in the towel. In the end, I gave up because I was having trouble staying awake in the evenings. Honestly, my best hours in the day are usually 8pm-11pm. That’s when I’m having the most fun. That’s when I’m most productive. And I was not ready to spend that time in bed. I wanted to spend that time doing improv and biking around Philadelphia. So I did.
Since then, I have learned more about sleep and better understand that being a morning person is not something that you can force. Everyone has a different internal clock. And my clock is deep asleep during the rise of the summer sun. So, I bought a membership to the fitness center in the park across the street. This seems like my best defense against the heat and the thunder. I was going to before it closed early today, but I slept in and then had an improv audition.
I am not willing to let running change who I am.
***
Monday, June 23rd
This morning, I woke up a little under the weather. So, after I got done with work, I went straight to the gym, then to a movie, and then ate a double cheeseburger at 10pm.
I am now feeling much worse. Depending on who you ask, this is somewhere between completely and entirely my fault.
Who knows? Maybe I’m wrong. I’d love to find someone else to blame.
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