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Fall 2024
Business Man Dan
In 2013, Dan Melcher decided to become a businessman. He had already been running his mother’s funeral home since her unexpected death the year before, but his mother had always had more of an eye for people than cash. Dan felt differently. So, the parlor added some vending machines and bought cheaper toilet paper and Dan stopped giving bonuses. Every year, this made Dan an additional $4,000 that he put into his personal savings.
But money doesn’t stop rats. Even the White House has a rat problem. So when Dan woke up one Tuesday to see a rat race out of his pantry and disappear near the door to his garage, he knew it wasn’t his fault. He left a little note for his wife Debra warning her about their new friend and promising to bring a trap home with him after work.
Debra did not share his placid outlook. As he was driving into work, he received a text saying, “That rat ran at me when I was trying to get in my car. IT ALMOST TOUCHED ME! I WOULD HAVE DIED!”
Dan ran to Winston’s Tractor Supply over lunch, but they were sold out of rat traps. They expected more on Thursday and offered to give Dan a call. When he texted Debra with an update, she responded, “Thursday??? So you are going to give this rat two more days to KILL ME? IT IS EVIL!”
“The rat doesn’t want to kill you!”
“You weren’t there! It wants me dead! I will not sleep in a home with an assassin in it!”
So, after work, Dan drove a town over to Reliable Hardware. Stan Epper owned and ran the store with his wife Martha. Stan sat three rows behind Dan at the Presbyterian services and the two would sometimes talk about that week’s Huskers game. Dan spoke about business as a businessman, but Stan only ever wanted to talk about sports.
Dan found the cheapest rat trap and took it to the register.
“You know,” Dan volleyed, “If you’re willing to cut me a deal on these, I’d be happy to buy a second.”
Stan looked at him confused for a moment before responding, “Well then I’d be losing twice as much money, wouldn’t I? And frankly, you probably want four or more of these around your house. Unless, I guess, you just got one rat in a little box you’re trying to catch.”
Dan saw an in. “So, let's say I get five of these guys. What does the bulk pricing look like on something like that?”
“Five is a pretty small bulk. But I guess you could take one of these caramels we keep by the register. You know, as a thank you for your business.”
“Now Stan!” Dan whined, losing patience. “Are you gonna do business with me or not?”
“I guess that’s up to you, Dan. I’ll sell you all the rat traps you want, but I can’t give you bulk pricing unless you are talking about buying at least a hundred.”
“Well Stan, what am I going to do with a hundred rat traps?”
“Dan, I agree.” Stan tried to lower the temperature of the conversation. “I think that you should buy four. Two for the garage. Two for the kitchen. I just can’t give you bulk pricing.”
“Then what can you give me?” Dan cried, undeterred.
“A caramel. But frankly, if you keep on like this I might not feel so generous soon.”
“Ooh, a deadline,” Dan said, excited for the business to start. “Well maybe I’ll just go to Winston’s Tractor Supply instead.”
This, of course, was a lie. But Dan had learned very quickly back in 2013 that the business world is no place for the truth.
“I guess I just assumed you would have gone to Winston’s before coming here. They actually might offer these in a four pack that’s a little cheaper. And pretty close to your house, huh? I’m happy to call and see if they have it.”
Dan wasn’t sure whether Stan was calling his bluff or if he was so bad at business he’d be willing to lose out on the four dollar profit from a rat trap just to make some customer happy. But he didn’t have much time to think before Stan was already calling. The folks at Winston’s answered and let him know that they were out of those rat traps at the moment. Stan relaid this information with a flat affect that confused Dan; almost as if Stan didn’t care at all what happened and was just waiting for this interaction to be over.
“Well what would you say then, Stan, if I told you that I could just buy these online?”
“Well I guess I’d say that that would hurt my feelings, Dan. I’d say that those folks can sell at cheaper prices than I can because they buy in larger numbers and have expensive lawyers who keep them from paying taxes. I can only buy as much as the people in this county are gonna need. And I have to pay my taxes. But those taxes go into the county school your daughter goes to.”
“Actually,” Dan snorted, “Brittany graduated last year.”
“Congratulations, Dan.”
Dan growled. He was really stuck. He couldn’t buy the rat traps online. Debra had made it very clear that they were not going to sleep in that house until there were rat traps in that house. Even the fastest of online stores were not offering him same day rat trap delivery to rural Nebraska.
“Listen Dan.” Stan’s voice was gentle in a way that felt new. “I have some ordering that I am trying to finish up before the end of the day. If you want to get some rat traps, I’m happy to check you out. But if you’re just looking for someone to talk to, you should go home and ask Debby how her day is going.”
Finally, everything clicked into place. Dan realized that Stan had been one step ahead all along. He knew Dan would go to Winston’s first. He knew Debra wouldn’t let Dan back in the house without a rat trap. Stan was clearly a master businessman. Dan took a moment to imagine with great wonder how cheap the toilet paper must be in the locked restroom behind the counter.
Dan happily paid full price for six rat traps before coming home. For him, business had never really been about the money. It had always been about feeling better than other people. But if you can’t let yourself get bested by the best, then who can you get bested by?
The End.
But money doesn’t stop rats. Even the White House has a rat problem. So when Dan woke up one Tuesday to see a rat race out of his pantry and disappear near the door to his garage, he knew it wasn’t his fault. He left a little note for his wife Debra warning her about their new friend and promising to bring a trap home with him after work.
Debra did not share his placid outlook. As he was driving into work, he received a text saying, “That rat ran at me when I was trying to get in my car. IT ALMOST TOUCHED ME! I WOULD HAVE DIED!”
Dan ran to Winston’s Tractor Supply over lunch, but they were sold out of rat traps. They expected more on Thursday and offered to give Dan a call. When he texted Debra with an update, she responded, “Thursday??? So you are going to give this rat two more days to KILL ME? IT IS EVIL!”
“The rat doesn’t want to kill you!”
“You weren’t there! It wants me dead! I will not sleep in a home with an assassin in it!”
So, after work, Dan drove a town over to Reliable Hardware. Stan Epper owned and ran the store with his wife Martha. Stan sat three rows behind Dan at the Presbyterian services and the two would sometimes talk about that week’s Huskers game. Dan spoke about business as a businessman, but Stan only ever wanted to talk about sports.
Dan found the cheapest rat trap and took it to the register.
“You know,” Dan volleyed, “If you’re willing to cut me a deal on these, I’d be happy to buy a second.”
Stan looked at him confused for a moment before responding, “Well then I’d be losing twice as much money, wouldn’t I? And frankly, you probably want four or more of these around your house. Unless, I guess, you just got one rat in a little box you’re trying to catch.”
Dan saw an in. “So, let's say I get five of these guys. What does the bulk pricing look like on something like that?”
“Five is a pretty small bulk. But I guess you could take one of these caramels we keep by the register. You know, as a thank you for your business.”
“Now Stan!” Dan whined, losing patience. “Are you gonna do business with me or not?”
“I guess that’s up to you, Dan. I’ll sell you all the rat traps you want, but I can’t give you bulk pricing unless you are talking about buying at least a hundred.”
“Well Stan, what am I going to do with a hundred rat traps?”
“Dan, I agree.” Stan tried to lower the temperature of the conversation. “I think that you should buy four. Two for the garage. Two for the kitchen. I just can’t give you bulk pricing.”
“Then what can you give me?” Dan cried, undeterred.
“A caramel. But frankly, if you keep on like this I might not feel so generous soon.”
“Ooh, a deadline,” Dan said, excited for the business to start. “Well maybe I’ll just go to Winston’s Tractor Supply instead.”
This, of course, was a lie. But Dan had learned very quickly back in 2013 that the business world is no place for the truth.
“I guess I just assumed you would have gone to Winston’s before coming here. They actually might offer these in a four pack that’s a little cheaper. And pretty close to your house, huh? I’m happy to call and see if they have it.”
Dan wasn’t sure whether Stan was calling his bluff or if he was so bad at business he’d be willing to lose out on the four dollar profit from a rat trap just to make some customer happy. But he didn’t have much time to think before Stan was already calling. The folks at Winston’s answered and let him know that they were out of those rat traps at the moment. Stan relaid this information with a flat affect that confused Dan; almost as if Stan didn’t care at all what happened and was just waiting for this interaction to be over.
“Well what would you say then, Stan, if I told you that I could just buy these online?”
“Well I guess I’d say that that would hurt my feelings, Dan. I’d say that those folks can sell at cheaper prices than I can because they buy in larger numbers and have expensive lawyers who keep them from paying taxes. I can only buy as much as the people in this county are gonna need. And I have to pay my taxes. But those taxes go into the county school your daughter goes to.”
“Actually,” Dan snorted, “Brittany graduated last year.”
“Congratulations, Dan.”
Dan growled. He was really stuck. He couldn’t buy the rat traps online. Debra had made it very clear that they were not going to sleep in that house until there were rat traps in that house. Even the fastest of online stores were not offering him same day rat trap delivery to rural Nebraska.
“Listen Dan.” Stan’s voice was gentle in a way that felt new. “I have some ordering that I am trying to finish up before the end of the day. If you want to get some rat traps, I’m happy to check you out. But if you’re just looking for someone to talk to, you should go home and ask Debby how her day is going.”
Finally, everything clicked into place. Dan realized that Stan had been one step ahead all along. He knew Dan would go to Winston’s first. He knew Debra wouldn’t let Dan back in the house without a rat trap. Stan was clearly a master businessman. Dan took a moment to imagine with great wonder how cheap the toilet paper must be in the locked restroom behind the counter.
Dan happily paid full price for six rat traps before coming home. For him, business had never really been about the money. It had always been about feeling better than other people. But if you can’t let yourself get bested by the best, then who can you get bested by?
The End.
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